It’s that elephant in the room. It’s swept under the rug.
It can begin suddenly, like a flash of lightning and a thunderclap! At times, it’s pernicious, often picking up speed and intensity like a freight train careening down and threatening to jump the tracks.
It’s what folks won’t acknowledge. Sometimes, they snidely remark, “Well, you know, boys will be boys!” Then they shrug it off.
And it’s what you give a pass to after you’ve been manipulated and brainwashed into believing your intimate partner when they profess, and quite ardently, “It’s just because I love you to death!”
The “it” I’m talking about is Intimate Partner Violence and Abuse (IPV/A), referred to as domestic violence and abuse within the LGBTQ+ community. Specifically, IPV/A describes the physical, sexual, emotional, and/or psychological harm perpetrated by a current or former partner or spouse who is LGBTQ+.
I have intimate knowledge of and painful experiences with this dysfunctional and destructive syndrome. Along with being an author, journalist, podcaster, voice-over instructor/talent, and semi-retired stand-up comic, I’m a survivor. And a proud one at that: I’m an IPV/A SME (subject matter expert) and speaker.
Intimate Partner Violence and Abuse is one of the integral themes of my Nothing Can Tear Us Apart series of novels. SHATTERED! is the current installment; I’m fervently at work penning the sequel.
According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence and the Williams Institute of Law, IPV/A has been on the rise since COVID. A few stats:
· 26% of gay/SGL (same gender loving) men and 37% of bisexual men have experienced forms of rape and physical violence by an intimate partner.
· Approximately 44% of lesbian and 61% of bisexual women have experienced forms of rape and physical violence by an intimate partner.
· Lifetime intimate partner violence among the transgender community ranges from 31% to 50%.
My abusive ex-partner was his own unique version of a “smooth criminal” (a Michael Jackson reference, dontcha know!), methodically, perniciously, and inventively killing my mind and soul bit by bit. One abuse at a time.
Fortunately, I was able to extricate myself from that horrendous cycle of abuse. Afterwards, with professional help, I was able to heal and become whole.
I found myself.
A while ago, I wrote an op-ed about my experience with IPV/A for the Advocate titled “Making a ‘Great Escape’ from an Abusive Relationship.” The column included the warning signs of IPV/A, the stigma attached, ramifications, and how you can make your Great Escape. Visit https://www.advocate.com/commentary/2016/12/06/making-great-escape-abusive-relationship. I also appeared on The Advocates: Real Talk podcast:
Finally, there’s an IPV/A section with resources at www.wyattevans.com, my website.
So, heed my warning. In some cases, “Lovin’ You to Death” isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.